What to Do When Marriage Seems Like a Bondage
It can happen: you are happily married; you have a beautiful relationship; you’ve adapted to each other’s ways. Then life that seemed like bliss initially suddenly seems to be falling apart.
It could be because you have grown apart due to external influences or different growth patterns. Maybe you made different choices along the way, or you weren’t honest with yourself or with each other when you began the relationship. Quite often, your expectations for yourself and your life partner have changed, and many things that did not irritate you suddenly make you unhappy.
You feel dissatisfied with your life, or you notice this feeling that has been developing over some time. What do you do?
You have two choices:
Choice 1 — Look inward like I did. Introspection will help you identify the reason for your unhappiness. Is it really your partner, or is it you who has changed? Visualize your life going forward. How would it look like if you stayed together, and how would it be if you separated?
And if, upon introspection, you feel that it was life that, somewhere along the way, overwhelmed you and caused a rift in your relationship, then there is hope.
Upon introspection, if you feel you have changed, and if you corrected it, life would get better, then you know what to do.
If you think you both are overwhelmed (because of the day-to-day demands of life: work, finances, taking care of children), then you just need to accept that, and take action to correct it and deal with it as partners. Sometimes one partner may not be keen on acknowledging or talking about these issues. In such situations, you need to take the initial step of starting the discussion to figure out a plan. There can be resistance from your partner, but the problem will need to be addressed.
Communication is the key to resolving such issues. Working together as a team allows you to face big challenges in life and come out stronger on the other side. A prerequisite is that both parties should consider themselves as part of the team.
In difficult situations, a tendency to put the blame on the other person seems an easy route, which makes the situation even worse. It is in such moments that you may want to opt out of the relationship.
Opting out may seem the other easy route, but is certainly not so in reality. Instead of giving you the happiness that you desired so much, it may make you feel more hollow and unhappy. Be careful about making an impulsive decision.
Blaming your partner does not provide any solution if you plan to continue the relationship. Both parties need to first accept that they are in a situation that has been dealt to them by life, due to its forever changing property, and there is no point in playing the blame game. The next step is to address the situation with a focus on finding the right solution that serves everyone involved.
Choice 2 — After having followed your intentions for a long time, if you still feel that you and your partner have different outlooks and paths for your life’s journey, then it is best to part without ill feelings.
You do have a choice at every step. So, please, for God’s sake, do not ever put yourself in a victim mindset, and do not say you do not know what to do about a relationship. You have a choice to keep it or terminate it.
These are excerpts from the book “Relationships Matter”by Nimi Kay, being sold on all major book stores, including Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble. This book provides good information and tips on many other aspects of relationships.
Do not get into a victim mindset
People suffering from “victim syndrome” think that other people are not being fair to them.
The problem is not that other people are doing certain things wrong or are doing bad things to these so-called “victims.” The problem with people suffering from victim syndrome is that they themselves are not taking action to change a situation. These are people who will use all their energy to put blame on another person and declare themselves victims.
There is always a solution to a bad situation. If you identify yourself as a victim then you need to change your identity from a victim to a problem solver. You can acknowledge that a given situation is not in your favor. That means you should accept the reality of the situation as a problem, and then accept that you have to solve it. You need to focus on finding the solution and take it as a mission, rather than thinking that you have been a victim of a bigger conspiracy.
Quite often, your own lack of confidence, skills, motivation, clear purpose, pure intention, determination, and focus makes you feel like a victim of circumstances and comes in the way of you getting to a better state, experiencing a certain integrity in your relationships, or achieving a certain social status. You get in the way of your own freedom and progress when you fall prey to “victim syndrome.”
If happiness is still playing hide-and-seek, pause and think like I did when I was going through a phase in my life when I hated many people. Now, the word “hate” does not exist in my dictionary. Not because I want to deny the existence of the feeling of hate. It is just that I have learned to recognize my thoughts and feelings and learned to train myself so that they don’t affect me negatively.
Since I have trained myself to nurture the feeling of love more than any other negative feelings, these negative feelings hardly have room to show up. And even if they do show up accidentally, they don’t stay for long, because I don’t welcome them.
